If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Come see our sink grown plant.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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