connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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