Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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