She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
