That's when you crack a 10am beer
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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