I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
