listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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