I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
