he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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