literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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