I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
