paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
