census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize