I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
