OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
