Can Purell be used as lube?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
