I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
