I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
