1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
