this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
