just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I looked at my own cervix.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
