how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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