I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
