Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
