I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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