so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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