how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
