We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
