Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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