I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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