seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
