i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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