final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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