have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
