she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
