'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The struggles of a small town man whore
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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