Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
