the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
