The maid of honor just puked.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
