Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
