Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
