She announced her abortion via fbk
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
