my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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