apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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