how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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