I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
