You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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