the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
