Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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