this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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