She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
