Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he thought i was a dude.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
