Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
