Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
