like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
