Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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