I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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