Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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