haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
