Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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