the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
